Friday, February 11, 2011

Tips For The Ride-Your-Bike-Without-Moving-Forward Enthusiasts

If you use Google Reader or something like that, you probably noticed my most recent blog post entitled "(title unknown)." I hope you enjoyed that one. It was a doozie. If you missed it, I'm sorry. It's now in the oblivion of deleted internet files.

It's now been 13 days since I last rode a bicycle while moving forward at the same time. I'm starting to get tired of not accomplishing any mechanical work while riding my bike. But I have become very familiar with all the interesting dynamics of riding a bike in your living room. So for your reading pleasure, I've compiled a number of lessons I have learned while training that will help you know what to expect, should you decide to take up a hobby of riding your bike without moving forward.

First of all, it feels like such a waste of time, so be prepared. Over half of the days in the past two weeks I've gotten home around 7:30 because of after-work meetings and other adventures. Back in the day, when life was good, I was able to ride my bike to and from work, more than accomplishing my goal of 1 hour of riding, 5 days a week. Getting home at 7:30 meant I could make dinner and eat till 8:30, then zone out and watch TV till 9:30. Now that it's snowy and cold, when I get home at 7:30, it means I have an hour to eat, then I have to spend a very boring hour on my bike downstairs. Praying that there's something ridiculously good on TV because your average TV show just doesn't cut it when you have to ride a bike while watching it. It feels like I've wasted that hour of much needed vegging-out time.

TV show selection is an important thing to consider while riding on a trainer. Basketball games are perfect because 2 quarters takes almost exactly one hour. When you're watching the game clock, it goes slower than real time, so 12 minutes on the game clock will pass by and a good 24 minutes in real time will have passed. Basketball also gets your adrenaline pumping because it's pretty exciting to watch. Don't settle with anything less than the best. A run-o-the-mill show will be torture, but a really good show will be tolerable. So, what I'm really trying to say is, just don't watch Glee. Anything else will do, but please don't watch Glee. That show needs to disappear and never return.

Don't ever look at a clock. Hide all your clocks, because if you keep looking at the time it will pass very very slowly. As the saying goes, a watched pot never boils. Rather, use your TV shows to time yourself. They usually come in 30min or 1hr sizes, so that works great. Most 30min shows have 2 commercial breaks. So if you watch two 30min shows (two episodes of Simpsons for me yesterday), ride till the first break, get off the bike and stretch, ride through the second break and take a break in between shows to drink water and let your rear-end rest, then ride till the second commercial break, take a final break, then ride for the last 10-15 minutes left in the second show.

I have found one good thing about riding a trainer. People will look at you weird if you ride shirtless outside, but inside you can do whatever you want. So shut your door and ride on your trainer without a shirt on. It's glorious and nobody's around to judge you. Let your gut stick out and just enjoy it. Don't judge. I can sense you judging me while I'm writing this.

Even though shirtless bike riding without moving forward is one of my favorite pastimes, it doesn't make riding a trainer that great. That being said, I'm looking forward to Denver's warm weather this week which shall be perfect for activities like shooting stuff with shotguns and riding two-wheeled contraptions while moving forward at the same time.

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