Friday, August 19, 2011

How to Drink Coffee Properly

Coffee, being the best drink known to humanity (yes better than Grape Kool-Aid), deserves respect. Too many people have defiled the drink and I intend to put a stop to this! Here's how you properly drink coffee.

Cup Selection
One of the most fundamental aspects of coffee drinking is what cup you're drinking it out of. Sometimes you're forced to drink out of one of these, "The Adult Sippy Cup":
Who wants to be touching their lips to plastic while they're drinking. All coffee shops should have the option of non-disposable cups for the in-shop drinkers. I'll tolerate a sippy cup if I can't drink it in the shop, but it's absolutely repulsive to use one of these inside a coffee shop. What's even worse is when people buy these:

ECO CUP...right.

Styrofoam cups are almost as bad. 
At least they aren't sippy cups.

No, you should choose a special, non-plastic/non-styrofoam, coffee cup that makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside. Like this one:

This is my favorite coffee cup I've ever owned, but I tragically broke it a month ago. I've converted to my second favorite cup I've ever owned, which is a NASCAR "Number One Grandpa" cup that the little girl I live with gave to me for a Christmas gift. What could make you feel more warm and fuzzy than a rooster or being called a grandpa by a first grader.

Creamy, Sugary, Syrup flavored with coffee.
The coffee snobs will tell you that cream and sugar hide the taste of the coffee. I say, "Who cares? Drink whatever tastes good." I think a healthy dose of cream with no sugar is the most tasty version of coffee, but I won't judge you for putting sugar in it. I will judge you if you judge people for putting cream and or sugar in their coffee though. I've plotted Cheerfulness of The Coffee Drinker as a function of cream and sugar amounts:

People who put tons of sugar in their coffee are the people who just have to have the sugar to down the caffeine. These people are not particularly cheerful. They're just lacking energy. The black hole of coffee snobs has been studied for quite some time. It seems that whenever somebody enters that region, they not only have zero cheerfulness, but they also suck the cheerfulness out of anybody who chooses to put cream or sugar in their coffee. Maximum cheerfulness from coffee drinking can be found at the healthy dose of cream and no sugar. A recent study even shows that bitter taste preferences are linked to malevolent personality traits," particularly "everyday sadism and psychopathy."

Methods of Drinking

Here is a short list of rules:

  1. Do not drink hot coffee when your drinking location is hot and do not drink cold coffee when it's cold at your drinking location.
  2. Drink slowly but not so slow that the coffee gets lukewarm. Lukewarm coffee is okay, but not ideal.
  3. Only take enough coffee from the pot that you can drink before it cools. Let the coffee stay warm in the pot.
  4. Do not place your hand around the mug unless it is particularly cold in your drinking location and you need a hand warmer. That will cool the coffee too fast. Use the handle.
  5. Handle your coffee with care when you are walking. They may say, "Don't cry over spilt milk," but the other people say, "You should definitely cry over spilt coffee."

1 comment:

  1. There are brave souls who venture into or even dwell in the black hole of coffee snobs who are also cheerful and non-judgmental of those who like to "doctor" their coffee, though I'll admit we are rare individuals. I also love my "cafe con leche" or a good "cafe au lait" now and then... fancy foreign words for coffee with cream, but both made by people smart enough to heat the milk or cream before combining it with the coffee. :)